Straighten Your Crown

It’s been a tough few weeks. 

My office has been dealing with some really heavy human stuff. The kind of human stuff that doesn’t stay neatly in the boundaries of “work” and “home.” I’m reminded yet again that in the middle of professions, ambitions, goals, and deadlines, we  are whole humans carrying the joyful, agonizing weight of both our inner and outer selves. 

These past weeks, I’ve done a lot of listening. I’ve helped make some weighty decisions that affect other people’s lives and livelihood. I’ve also had to make the best decisions possible in the spur of the moment - alone. How do I know which path is right? How can I see the full range of events that could cascade based on my choices. I don’t. I can’t. But I still do. I call on myself to do the best I can. Be led by the best I have in me. 

I could not have made it through these weeks without my team. Wow. They carried me while I cared for them. They cleared the path as I was required to barrel through. “How can I help?” “I got this!” “Way ahead of you, already done.” “What can I take off your plate, while you go do the thing that none of the rest of us want to do?” “I see you. You’re doing a great job.” These messages poured through my emails, teams calls, late night texts, and Facebook. Encouragement blurring the lines between co-workers and friends who I get the privilege of working with every day. We put our arms around each other and carried through. It’s what we do. 

I cried in a grocery store parking lot this weekend. These weeks have been a lot, and there is still further to go. The light ahead is getting stronger, but the path is long. And I’m tired. 

And then, my husband put an axe in his foot. (It’s a long story. Don’t worry. He’s fine.) I ended the week in the emergency room, and then the pharmacy, and the groceries…. when all I wanted to do was curl in a ball and breathe out everyone else’s energy from my own soul. I had nothing left to give. To give my family. To give myself. I broke. I needed that moment. I needed those tears. I needed to feel my own edge. In all the madness, I needed to remember me. 

It was a busy few weeks, but still, I had somewhere next to go. Focused on the obstacle course in front of me, I began gathering my scraps of energy to move through another lap. Checked in for the flight, my notification dinged, “Flight delayed.” I sighed with relief. I still had so much to do. Laundry. Packing. Making sure he had food. Flight delayed again. Pushed another hour. And again. I kept relishing every extra moment. And then she screamed at me. The Universe. “What are you actually doing?!? You don’t have to go! Stay home. Take care of your family. Take care of yourself for crying out loud!!”

Why did it take me so long to get the message? Why does it always take us so long? Our intuition, it knows what we need; we just don’t pay any attention. Until it throws axes at us. 

I canceled my flight. 

There will be other conferences. Other opportunities to connect and change the world. 

Right now I have a purring cat, and today, I got my board reports done.